Pick one press release that excites you:

Justin Beiber shot.

Justin Beiber stabbed

Justin Beiber was recently accused of being homosexual by his african long term boyfriend. He said "Justin Beiber loves it up the arse and is an annoying cunt".

Sanitary Pads for Feminine Hygene from Apple.

Apple are equal rights, equal opportunity, equal-racial and now devoid of sexism?

All those Ethereal white panties sure show up stains so without delay introducing a new product for the feminine Apple fangirl.

Apples n Pears

OH MY GOD

It's like Apartheid all over again except god is involved.

Apple have managed to in the short span of a couple of weeks, destroy millions of lives. It's the Apocolypse.

As a Developer on Apple hardware, your webcam will suddenly switch on and check to see if you're living in an ethreal whitespace compliant with Apple terms and conditions 4.0!

They are locking up the platform tighter than a gnat's chuff. If you want to compete with Apple fairly then you'll be shit out of luck. You can't compete. In fact, Apple has made it impossible for any competing software or services to exist with their 4.0 agreement.

If you don't like it, then fuck off. But if you're a customer then you might be charged more money unless you invest in the following Apple products:

The iEat Ethereal kitchen experience is clearly not looked after by yours truely. Where are the tea stains? Where's the massive fucking pile of washing up?

Ethereal iSleep is designed with harsh white lighting and padded walls so you can't hurt yourself through insomnia. Apple will keep you up all night long so they can enjoy your purchases on iTunes.

Want to make love? sure you can use iChat, with custom filters so you can pretend to be a woman and enjoy a bit of nerd cock.

.

Fuck it. Might as well add a TV on the wall too

The Delicious Miss Dahl

When I saw the previews of this show I thought "Finally a bit of crumpet that stays in the fucking kitchen".

I liked her eyes, long eyelashes simpering mannerisms. So I sat down with a bit of burned meat from the oven (chicken covered in paprika) and tucked in.

A few mins in you're like "what the fuck? this is like a fat version of Nigella Lawson, except she isn't showing ANY flesh at all". Thats right lads, she hides it under blankets of multi coloured hippy crap while copying as many of Nigella's classic sayings as possible.

Mood foods!

She was making this prawn curry and said "The prawns look so melancholy at the moment..." Of course they're melancholy darling, they're fucking DEAD.

Anyway lads, if you were thinking that you'd get some cleavage and some sexy food viewing done well don't bother. This program is 100% marketed at fat birds who want to feel better about being fat.

If you want to look at a young, female Tom Baker in the Tardis wittering on about winnie the pooh or melancholy prawns then GO FOR IT.

3/10 wot a pile of old bollocks